Nurfed

Arthas, King of Liches and Goatse

Dirken — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 16:35:46 +0000

Well, after suffering through Blackrock effectively being offline for the past week and a half, our battlegroup finally got the attention it deserved and they fixed us. This means we actually got to do some raiding! Hurray! And as you can guess, a functional server resulted in our inevitable slaying of the Arthas. The kill may have been poorly executed and incredibly sloppy, but who cares? We’re now only a week behind and 11/12 hardmodes late. Awesome!

We should’ve just said “fuck it” and pulled a Premo. Ah well, you can download and view our glorious victory over the Lich King by clicking here.

Blood Queen Amidala

Dirken — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 10:17:36 +0000

We killed Natalie Portm… err, wait, fuck. We killed some goth bitch last night. She didn’t really drop anything sweet enough to warrant our actually spending time on her. Three pulls is just way too much effort anymore.

I wish Arthas would have been loitering around the entrance to Icecrown. That way, when you zoned in, he would have been the first and only boss you fought. That’s right: they should have created a single, epic four-hour encounter without any intermissions. The challenge would’ve been intrinsic, dependent entirely on your leadership’s ability to actually keep your guild interested in completing the fight without anyone going AFK to take a piss or make a sandwich. Every NPC to ever exist in the Warcraft universe could have then made a cameo, dropping by just to wail on mean ol’ Mr. Lich King for a little bit. It would have been a bona fide loregasm.

You guys are so fucking lucky I’m not designing content.

Anyhow, my guild was anticipating that I’d make the gayest vampire-oriented post to ever grace our front page. They expected guest appearances from Wesley Snipes (or that shitty wanna-be TV Blade), Buffy, and those Twilight fags. But I’m not so utterly predictable. I don’t need to resort to lame jokes in order to get laughs. And fuck you guys for thinking that I do. Pricks.

Jesus tits, that was a lot of gay vampires. What were we talking about again? Oh, right.

Just sayin’…

Professor Spermicide

Dirken — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 16:28:33 +0000

So, we did a bad thing. We sort of went into 25-man yesterday without any prior knowledge or 10-man experience and blew our load on Putricide early in the evening. We sauntered right into that chemist slut’s room and tried to shove him to the floor for a little face down, ass up action. And it almost worked: on our second or third attempt, we got him below 7%. Naturally, then, we became overconfident and went for a glory kill. But he pulled a total bitch move and busted out a sphincter diaphragm, annihilating any hope we had of making some sweet, sweet buttbabies. Our best (and final) attempt landed us at 1.9% before a tank died.

He’s honestly very killable; I’m quite surprised that a number of guilds didn’t slay him already. I guess many decided to play it safe, as opposed to going balls deep for an early “normal mode” victory. That’s not how we roll, though. We do manly things like manly men — such as the attempted anal rape of a dudely NPC scientist. I’ll thank you not to judge us, you close-minded homophobe.

How long before the rest of you weaklings whip out your wangers and dump your junk juice into his puckered poopchute? Hopefully not long. And whoever said alliteration is a low form of humor was a fag ass fag.

Edit: By the way, we didn’t have a single bugged attempt. I’m fairly certain you’re only allowed one abomination in 25-man.

Hanukwanza Can Suck It

Dirken — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 17:55:54 +0000

It doesn’t matter what religious faith you are, or even if you’re atheist like most intelligent people. Christmas still god damn rules, and saying “Happy Winter Solstice” is for gutless, soulless, overly-sensitive, politically correct hippie douche scum.

Merry motherfucking Christmas, bros.